i survived the titanic AND i got a tshirt!
by Cowgirl Can't Rope
Summary: laughs! HUMOR! you have gotta read this, omg! by camekitty


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTARS, ALTHOUGH I MAY HAVE RENAMED SEVERAL WHOSE NAMES I CANNOT REMEMBER, SUCH AS "DAPHNE", "JAKE", AND "MR.MAC".  
  
(rose is sitting in her home in ugly wicker furniture watching tv. her great great grandaughter, whose name escapes me so i will call daphne, is washing dishes.)  
  
ROSE: daphne! turn up the tv! i cant hear the president over my false teeth!*rose is watching ozzy osboourne moonwalking* *her dentures are chattering loudly and annoyingly*  
  
DAPHNE: but great great grandmommy, ozzy isnt --  
  
ROSE: NOWWWW!!!  
  
FALSE TEETH: *chatter loudly and fall out of rose's mouth and vibrate across the room, a la warner bros. cartoon*  
  
DAPHNE: *sighs* since you are old and going bald and belong in the home. i will have pity on you. *walks over and turns up tv, and accidentially-on-purpose switches channels*  
  
TV: *announcer ted turlin is sitting on a boat, interveiwing several people who are hosing down pictures and work on the titanic project. he is currently interveiwing a man (whose name also escapes me, therefore i will call him "jake"--you know him; he's blond and likes daphne, while another man (i have a terrible memory--i can't remember HIS NAME EITHER, but he looks disturbingly like my HS's calculus & comp. sciences teacher, mr. macnamera (bald, red beard, fat tub of lard), therefore his name shall be "mr. mac". everybody with me here? okay then, let's get going!)*  
  
TED TURLIN: okey dokey, folks, here we are at a freaky place on a boat! oh, and here's a guy named "jake"! hello "jake", what can you do for us?  
  
"JAKE": knock off with the quote bunnies, ted.  
  
TED TURLIN: okey dokey.  
  
JAKE: and the hick frases.  
  
TED: okey do-- ummm... okay.so what can you do for us?  
  
JAKE: here is a picture of a naked lady.  
  
TED: she looks a little perky, jake.  
  
JAKE: oh, yes. it was very cold that night. cold and clear... *stares into space and starts muttering about rare blue diamonds*  
  
TED: uhhhh... jake?  
  
JAKE:   
  
TED: you still with us?  
  
JAKE: *stares and mutters*  
  
TED: ah, well. guess not. but dont worry, folks, becaese here comes a guy who looks disturbingly like my old high school's calculus teacher, mr. macnamera! hey mr. mac! good to see you!  
  
MR. MAC: ah, yes. i remember you, ted. never passed my course, did you? dropped out in 1983, didnt you? now look at you, you son of a --  
  
TED: (loudly) thats enough, mr. mac! now what can you do for us!  
  
MR. MAC: you can have all the veiwers tell us if they know who this lady is. hell, we'll even pay for a helicopter to pick you up!  
  
TED: you heard the man! and if you act now, you can get a chance to enter ... *rattles off list of game shows*  
  
(cut back to rose and daphne)  
  
ROSE: (muffled, since her false teeth have chattered away)come on, daphne!  
  
DAPHNE: where are we going?  
  
ROSE: TO THE TITANIC!!!  
  
DAPHNE: did you forget to take your prozac today?  
  
ROSE: no! but i took 7 of those pills of yours. the ones that say "mary jane" on them.  
  
DAPHNE: THATS MY STASH!!!  
  
ROSE: oh, well. but they work even better than prozac! wheeeeeeee!!!  
  
DAPHNE: *sighs* jake gave those to me for just $75 a pill! they are special!  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   
  
(scene switch--rose and daphne arrive in a helicopter. rose has brought several peices of  
  
her ugly wicker furniture. ted turlin is still on deck, rattling off how old you must be to enter the )  
  
the sweepstakes. jake and mr. mac help rose with her luggage, and jake manages to cop a feel  
  
(off daphne,not rose.i bet you thought i was going to say rose, didnt you! you pervert.)  
  
JAKE: so daphne, who is this lady in the picture?  
  
DAPHNE: well, my great great grandmommy over there swears she is her, but then again, she  
  
DID take seven of those special marijuana pills you gave me.  
  
ROSE: she's me! she's me! SHE'S MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  
  
MR. MAC: actually, given the rate of the pills combined with the menopausal reactions in her circulations and   
  
respiratory systems, the pills' influence has most likely faded.  
  
ROSE: WHY DONT YOU BELIEVE ME, YOU %$&$ING %%&*$S!!!!!!!!! #@&% YOU!!!!!! YOU @#&%*S!!!!!  
  
MR. MAC: but then again, maybe not.  
  
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all right! that's chapter one & two. that was extremely fun! please R&R!!!!   
  
~camelkitty~ 


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